When It’s Time To Fight

We’re taught early that fighting is bad. Don’t hit. Don’t argue. Don’t escalate. Walk away. That advice is mostly good. But it’s incomplete.

Because life doesn’t stop presenting moments where not fighting has consequences too. And no one hands you a rulebook explaining when standing up is brave, when it’s reckless, and when silence quietly becomes consent.

This isn’t a manifesto. It’s not moral certainty. It’s a handful of experiences that shaped how I think about conflict…most of which only made sense years later.

The First Lesson: Sometimes “Stop” Is Enough

In grade school, there was a girl in my class who was in a musical. I thought it would be funny to sing the main lyric of one of the songs at her during recess. I wasn’t trying to be cruel, just annoying, which is its own kind of cruelty when you’re on the receiving end.

One day she turned to me and shouted, “Stop it!”  So I did.

No fight. No escalation. Just a clear boundary, clearly enforced. That moment taught me something important early: not every conflict needs force…some just need someone willing to say “enough.” The problem is, not everyone gets that chance.

The Regret: When You Don’t Fight the Right Enemy

In 7th grade art class, I sat at a table of four. Two guys across from me decided it would be funny to antagonize a girl sitting behind me by telling her I was saying things about her. I wasn’t.

Instead of confronting them, I absorbed it. Day after day she was in my face, telling me her boyfriend was going to beat me up. Meanwhile, the guys who started it laughed.

I didn’t stand up for myself. I didn’t stand up for her either.

Looking back, the real failure wasn’t fear…it was misplaced anger. I was frustrated with her, when I should’ve been angry at the people manufacturing the conflict for entertainment.

That’s a lesson that keeps coming back: If you’re going to fight, make sure you’re fighting the right person.

The Dumb Fight: When the Cost Is Immediate…and Worth It Anyway

In high school, I shared a bus stop with a familiar hierarchy. There was a kid who needed to be the center of everything, and he was good at it. He had a loyal follower. There was another kid…older, isolated…who got picked on. And when that pressure needed somewhere to go, it rolled downhill toward me. In winter, they played “king of the hill.” I stayed out of it. I knew who would win.

One day, cold and bored, I decided to disrupt the order. While the “king” celebrated, I ran up behind him and knocked him off the hill. The retaliation was immediate. He shoved my face into the snow and held it there until the bus came. Was it smart? No. Did I lose the fight? Absolutely. Do I regret it? Not really.

Sometimes fighting isn’t about winning…it’s about refusing to accept the rules you’ve been handed.

Switching Sides (and Paying for It)

Another winter. A snowball fight. Boys vs. girls. It started playful…competition, posturing, proving something. Then it shifted. The girls weren’t having fun anymore. The boys kept going. So I switched sides.

The girls went inside. I stayed out and started throwing snow at the guys. What I didn’t factor in was one of the girl’s dad. He came storming out, yelling. I was laughing, until I was suddenly tossed into the snow myself. He didn’t know I was on their side. I was shocked. He later tried to apologize. I avoided him.

That moment taught me something uncomfortable: even when you’re right, you can still get hurt…and people with power don’t always see context before they act.

Strategy Isn’t Cowardice

Today, when I play video games with friends, I focus on strategy. In business and in life, that mindset sometimes gets misunderstood. Some people equate strategy with manipulation. I don’t.

History backs this up. Sun Tzu famously wrote that the supreme art of war is to subdue the enemy without fighting. Countless military and political failures come from mistaking aggression for strength and restraint for weakness.

Direct confrontation when you’re clearly outmatched isn’t bravery…it’s bad math. Choosing when to fight is as important as choosing whether to fight.

So…When Is It Time?

Based on my experience…imperfect, biased, human – here’s what I’ve learned:

• Fight when silence enables harm, especially to someone who can’t defend themselves.
• Fight when a boundary is crossed repeatedly, and clarity hasn’t worked.
• Don’t fight for ego. Those wins are expensive and short-lived.
• Don’t fight the wrong person. Trace the problem to its source.
• Use strategy without shame. Avoiding unnecessary damage isn’t weakness.
• Accept that some fights cost you, even when they’re worth it.

Not fighting is still a choice…and it shapes who you become just as much as the fights you pick. We’re rarely proud of every decision. But we learn from all of them.

And maybe the real question isn’t “When is it time to fight?” It’s “Who do I want to be when this moment is over?”